Once again, Mercury Retrograde has delivered another whopper for me. Just when I thought it was over… Even though technically we are out of it – and are in “the Storm” as Kat likes to put it, for me if just feels like it has all landed on me at once.
Anyone who has done any kind of personal growth work on themselves must certainly hold out some kind of hope that one can change. Well, for me that hope is totally gone. I hate to be so negative and depressed about it but at the moment that’s about all there is.
Now to be honest, I more than likely brought this on myself. Let me explain. I use Reiki for a lot of things, and often on myself. I tend to forget how powerful it can be. Lately I have started to use Reiki with specific intentions. In this case I was trying to heal some patterns of thinking like worry and self-doubt. Like most people, I had no idea where they came from.
Reiki is very powerful and especially so in terms of dredging up the causes of the things we have a hard time with. I always forget this and so often wind up feeling slammed when it actually hits me. I feel a lot of times like the Hawaiian Punch guy. It’s ok, it always knocks me on my rear end but in the end it’s better sometimes to go in not knowing. If you knew you wouldn’t go in the first place.
The good news is that (obviously) the Reiki has brought something up. The reason that’s good is that when something deep comes up like this, it is a signal that you are getting closer to the cause of the problem, and are closer to healing it. The bad news is that as far as things go in terms of coming up, it’s about as bad as it gets. I don’t think I have ever felt this depressed in my whole life. But that’s just a symptom that the cause of the problem is coming to the surface.
Most people get impressions in one of several ways. Some are physical, some are visual, some are auditory and some of us talk to ourselves, like me. What I heard was myself saying “I feel so hopeless…” And after that, “I don’t feel like I can change anything about anything.” And then I felt it’s just so hopeless and pointless to hope that one can be anything other than who they are. I also began to seriously doubt whether it is possible for humans to change at all. All pretty deep stuff.
As things come up I usually talk to Kat, one of Foretell’s psychics, to get her take on things. Usually she will see things I can’t, and this kind of feedback gives me context and validation for what I was feeling. Most of the time I will have some kind of impression about whatever event or past life these things originate from but in this case I didn’t have a clue.
Kat said that basically I had “hit a nerve”, and also that it went back to one of my earliest past lives. At that time I think I was being experimented on. We were also in the middle of a huge war that we were losing. And while I don’t think we were actually slaves, our labor was used as some kind of payment for something. So not having any feeling of control in that situation makes total sense to me. And also the doubts about change.
There’s no way of knowing how long this will take to work through, or how much more is under this. I have worked on past life issues for years and then found that when I thought I was done that there was still more. I’ll just have to see what else comes up next time and go from there.
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