By : Nikki Savage
I’ve been itching for spring for months. I did all my dark work in the winter. I sat with my roots and gave them nourishment. I got centered in my earthy energy. Now it’s time for some fire. But just as I think I’m ready to get creating, she calls out. “Oh don’t do that. What if you aren’t strong enough yet!” She is my negative mind.
Kundalini yoga recognizes 3 mental bodies: positive, negative and neutral. The positive and negative are the poles of our mental being. Neutral is our middle ground and is the ideal state of mind, the meditative mind. But I know for myself, sometimes that meditative state ain’t so easy to get to.
My polar south, my negative side, likes to have her say. Especially when I am wanting to try something new. She likes to point out what could go wrong. It is her job. I beat her up mercilessly because she can be ugly and scary. I keep her in a dark corner of my soul that I know needs some springtime loving. But she is so hard to love sometimes.
She is empowered by my fear. As well she should be. Her only purpose is to do whatever needs to be done to save my life. Sometimes it is just in the form of that healthy sense of fear that urges me to be careful as I enter a dark alley or, more likely, compels me to go another way. Other times, she needs to take over. If I ever were to find myself having to truly fight for my life, she would be the one to appear out of that bleak hopelessness and save me.
I could go down some seriously ugly rabbit holes with the brutal, raw and gross (as in not subtle) aspects of myself that she embodies. But I must remember that keeping myself physically safe is the only place my negative self serves me. At any level other than material, her fear is not real but instead a reflection of the punishment I give myself for being capable of such dark thoughts and emotions. I like to think I am not capable of brutality, even to save myself. I am a loving being, aren’t I? But whenever I feel the intense heat of anger, especially of the mama bear variety, I have no doubt I’m capable of all kinds of ugly. And so the mental beatings have continued.
But lately I understand more and more about energy. I see how I am fighting my own expansion when I beat myself up for my unpleasant, negative self. I don’t want her gone. She is my deepest protector when something horrible strikes and she fights well. I should know. I’ve fought and lost to her for over forty years! She isn’t going anywhere.
So I am calling a truce. She is me at my most basic, physical level. She is my animal nature which I have evolved from as I learned to walk upright and make decisions on the course of my life. She will have her say and I trust that I have worked enough on enlightenment to discern when her say is valid. If her fear isn’t contained to the visceral level, it is existing at too high a frequency within my being. And I have the power to choose the frequency I tune into each moment.
I am no longer a divided mind. And I can now begin to sow the seeds that will provide sustenance for the year ahead with my soul all in. I can now move forward into the light half of the year with true integrity understanding my beauty and my ugliness and how they each need to be or I wouldn’t be. Balance is the universal key.
Have you accepted all the pieces of you? Have you embraced your north and south poles knowing both are necessary to fix you in this dimension of time? Know your boundaries so you can know your center. And from there find your own particular harmony with this divine universe that we exist within as we also create it. The fresh energy of spring abounds. What plans will your undivided self make manifest?
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